


it hurts me just to think and i don't do pain

by hero_is_here



Series: this role reversal au made dream smp one thousand times funnier [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Bird Hybrid Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Cat Hybrid Antfrost (Video Blogging RPF), Character Turned Into a Ghost, Dead Toby Smith | Tubbo, Decapitation, Deity Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Enderman Hybrid Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Fights, Gen, Goat Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mentioned GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Parental Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Phil Watson-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Pig Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), President Wilbur Soot, Sheep Hybrid Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Temporary Character Death, Villain Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29893692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hero_is_here/pseuds/hero_is_here
Summary: “Ph- Philza Minecraft, you are under arrest for crimes against New L’Manberg.” He wrings his hands. “Please come in peacefully, Phil.”Phil clenches the sword at his side. “I’m a changed man. I’m not-”“That doesn’t change what you did,” Ant hisses.“I don’t want to have to kill all of you.”“Nobody’s making you do anything,” Wilbur says, a pleading tone in his voice. “Phil, please just come with us.”“No, I don’t think so, mate,” Phil levels the sword at the president’s head.ORphilza is hunted down to be executed after he helped his little brother blow up a country.[title from 'my ordinary life' by the living tombstone.]
Relationships: Jschlatt & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson
Series: this role reversal au made dream smp one thousand times funnier [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197959
Comments: 11
Kudos: 77





	it hurts me just to think and i don't do pain

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of a roleswap au bc i have many thoughts head full. just gonna be a lot of oneshots about various scenes from dsmp but role swapped. uhh also you can suggest certain events/scenes that i could write. basic family dynamic is techno is a father/teacher to phil, tommy, tubbo, and wilbur. 
> 
> tw: references to child abuse and starvation, death, references to manipulation, depictions of decapitation,

Phil awakes to the sound of chests opening and scrambling. His first thought, of course, is rats. But how would rats open chests? His second thought is that this is New L’Manberg’s army coming for him. He rolls out of bed and grabs the sword under the frame. 

He slides down the ladder and points the scabbard at… a teenager. A familiar teenager. 

Schlatt stares at Phil with large eyes, and Phil can’t help it when pity pangs in his chest. The boy’s clothes are torn, hanging off of him as if they barely fit. His neck is bruised and there is dried blood at the base of one of his curled horns. The ram holds food in his arms, and a short knife. 

Phil sighs and lowers his sword. “What the hell are you doing here, Schlatt?”

The boy tries to push himself further away, but chests block the way. He points the knife, more of a shiv, at Phil in fear. “Just… just let me take the food and I’ll leave.”

He notices the boy shivering in the freezing air of the basement. Phil sighs. He gestures for the ladder. When Schlatt does not move, he frowns. “Come on, mate,” he says as he climbs the ladder himself. He quickly lights the fireplace and fills a nearby pot with cold soup. He places it over the fire when he finally hears Schlatt climbing the ladder. 

He walks with a limp, and Phil nods at a chair at the dining table. Schlatt slowly makes his way to the chair and sits. The pair are silent as the soup warms. Phil pours it into two bowls and places one in front of Schlatt. The ram looks up at him and Phil spots paranoia. 

“It’s chicken stew,” the older says. When Schlatt does not move towards the bowl, he rolls his eyes and takes a bite. Seeing the stew is safe, Schlatt immediately devours the soup. Phil snorts. “You want more.”

“Hell yeah,” Schlatt says and Phil stands up to scoop more stew out of the pot. Schlatt looks up at him from the bowl. “You… you’re not pissed at me?”

“Why would I be?”

“The- the shit with New L’Manberg. You know, you blew it up?”

Phil looks out the window next to the table. “I’m done with violence. And… I- hm. Just because you’re mad at me, doesn’t mean I’m mad at you.” 

Schlatt looks into the bowl of stew. “Oh.”

Phil clears his throat. “So, what the hell happened to you?”  
  


Schlatt looks down at himself and clutches at the torn shirt. “Ranboo, the fuckin’ bastard, he made Wilbur exile me from the SMP. Then, he- he- he’s my friend,” the boy groans and shoves the heels of his palms into his eyes. “He hates me.”

“Wilbur hates you?”

“No! I mean, yes, Wilbur fuckin’ hates me. But I mean Ranboo. He’s the only one who really visited me on that stupid beach,” Schlatt rubs his eyes, then looks at Phil. “If he’s my friend, would he hurt me?”

Phil clenches his teeth. “Ranboo did this to you?”

Schlatt nodded slowly.

“I see,” Phil sniffs. He might kill that bastard the next time he sees him. “Well. If you want to stay, get cleaned up and sleep in a real bed, you can stay. If you want to leave, you can.”

He stands as Schlatt follows him with his eyes. “You’re letting me stay?”

Phil nods. “I’m going to bed, though. There’s an extra mattress in the basement if you’re thinking of staying, too.”

He climbs the ladder and stretches. As Phil slides the sword back under the bed, he collapses back into sleep.

Phil’s awoken by the _ping_ of his communicator. Light streams in through the windows as he checks the bright skin under the skin of his wrist. 

_Technoblade whispers to you: They are coming for you._

The message causes his second heart attack in eight hours. He once again grabs the sword as he types one handed.

_You whisper to Technoblade: wait who? what?_

He haphazardly puts an elastic in his hair as he collects potions from the first floor of the house. Schlatt pokes his head up from the basement, wide-eyed once again. Phil curses.

“Schlatt, you need to hide,” he says quickly.

“What’s happening? Is it-”

“It’s just a-” Phil checks his communicator. No return message from his father. “I… I don’t know. But you need to stay somewhere safe. There’s a room under the basement. Go down there.”

Schlatt hesitates before going back down. Phil sighs as he shoves his chestplate on. It’s a lot lighter than most netherite armor, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to fly. He pushes his wings through holes in the back of the chestplate and places a helmet on. He hangs more potions around his belt, grabbing a Totem from his Enderchest. 

The sound of voices outside pull him out of his fear-based collecting. He cautiously looks outside to see a familiar grey-skinned man talking to a bee above his head. He opens the door. “Tub-” he stops himself. “Toast, what are you doing?”

The ghost gasps. “Phil!” He grins. “Well, I was told to walk for a while. And now I’m here! And there’s a bee!”

Phil keeps himself from groaning. A ping from his communicator shifts his attention.

_Technoblade whispers to you: It’s Wil and some soldiers. Stay safe, they have netherite._

“Fuck,” Phil whispers under his breath. “Toast, you need to get away, someone’s coming for me.”

“Why would someone be after you?” the ghost anxiously fiddles with the buttons on his green shirt. “You’re the best.”

“I definitely appreciate that, but I kind of… uh… did something bad. I don’t want you to get hurt, you need to leave.”

“What are they gonna do, kill me twice!” Toast laughs at his own joke. “I’ll leave if you give me a lead, I want that bee!”

Phil definitely does groan this time. “Sure, fine, here.” He grabs a lead from a nearby chest and puts it in his younger brother’s hands. The ghost gently headbutts Phil and the blond man feels a deep sadness as he watches his dead brother leave the house. 

Phil returns to his collecting of resources. He glances out the window and sees Toast has wrapped the lead around his bee. He is also talking to a group of four in armor. “Fuck!” 

The group looks towards the house, as Toast points to the front door. Phil ducks and slams his body against the wall. A sharp pain echoes in his wings, but he does not pay it attention. A small knock comes at the door and Toast, incorporeal, phases his head through.

“Phil!” the ghost stage whispers. “Phil, there are people looking for you!”

“Tell them I’m not here,” Phil whispers back. The ghost gets a determined look on his face and nods. He faintly hears Toast repeating what he said. 

“So, you _weren’t_ just speaking to him?” He hears the voice of a familiar cat hybrid. Phil sighs as he opens the door and stares down at the party. He recognizes most of them; Wilbur, Antfrost, Sam, but there is one he’s never met. A boy with a mask on who has all the confidence of a buttered noodle. 

“Do you need something?” Phil asks. 

Ant elbows Wilbur, and the tall boy looks up at Phil. “Ph- Philza Minecraft, you are under arrest for crimes against New L’Manberg.” He wrings his hands. “Please come in peacefully, Phil.”

Phil clenches the sword at his side. “I’m a changed man. I’m not-”

“That doesn’t change what you did,” Ant hisses. 

“I don’t want to have to kill all of you.”

“Nobody’s making you do anything,” Wilbur says, a pleading tone in his voice. “Phil, please just come with us.”

“No, I don’t think so, mate,” Phil levels the sword at the president’s head. Wilbur takes a step back and the masked boy and Antfrost take a protective step forward.

The cat hybrid is the first to swing his axe. Phil catches the with his sword and kicks the cat in the ribs. Antfrost wheezes as he falls over. He watches Wilbur back away in fear. The masked boy swing at Phil. The blond man ducks and stares at the boy. He swings again, and again, forcing Phil away from Wilbur. 

“I don’t want to do this,” the masked boy informs Phil. “Just want you to know that I really didn’t-”

Phil ducks and rolls under the axe and slams the boy onto the ground. “I don’t fucking care if you want to or not,” he growls. He raises his sword, but the boy rolls out of the way as his sword plunges into frozen earth. 

“Get away from the kid!”

Phil looks up to the Antfrost holding a horse by the reins. Of course, Techno _had_ to leave his stupid horse here. If he knew his father, the god had bred that horse for ages. Literally.

Antfrost squints his eyes at Phil. “Drop the armor and your tools. Or I kill the horse.”

Phil wants to tell him to do it. But an angry god would not be good for the land. He grip the handle of his sword. “ _Fine_.”

Phil pulls the helmet off, and the chestplate. He throws his things onto the ground with a pissed look. He keeps the Totem charm in his pocket, though. No need to lose that.

“Dream, grab his things. Sam, tie his hands.”

The masked boy, Phil supposes his name is Dream, piles the armor and tools into a bag. Sam, his own nephew, ties his hand behind his back. 

Toast, who’s been watching from the sidelines the entire time with a strange look on his face, finally speaks up. “Phil’s allowed back in L’Manberg?” 

Wilbur sighs. “Something like that, Tubbo.”

The ghost’s face sours at the name, but follows them as they lead Phil and the horse across the frozen wasteland. They boat across water until Phil sees the familiar land of the Greater SMP. He clenches his teeth, not really expecting to see this place again, especially no time soon.

Phil is led through the land, people not even from L’Manberg gawking as he is pushed through the Greater SMP. He sees Techno staring down out of a window as he is led to a guillotine. The pig nods at Phil and he nods back. It’s all the communication the two need. Phil’s head is placed in the lunette and it is locked in. 

“Philza Minecraft, you are on trial-”

“This doesn’t feel like much of a trail. More like, you’ve already decided the outcome,” Phil muses. 

He can’t really look up, but he can hear the anger in Ant’s voice. “You are going to be executed for your- what is he doing?”

He can hear a shout, and an “Is that George?” from Sam. He sees Toast lean down next to him.

“Phil!”

“Yes?” Phil asks, as chaos erupts on the other side of the podium.

“I’ve named him Spins!” Toast shows off his bee.

“That’s nice, Toast. I’m about to die.”

Toast frowns. “Oh.”

Amongst the chaos, he hears Antfrost shout “Pull down the guillotine.”

Phil closes his eyes and wraps his hands around the Totem in his pocket. He whispers a small prayer to the only god he’s ever known as he hears the guillotine swing. 

Everything is dark for a moment. In the darkness, he can see the outline of two figures, before he is back. Everything hurts for a moment, and he breathes in the air like he’s never breathed before. His head is no longer locked in the lunette and he looks up. The four members of New L’Manberg’s militia stare at Phil in amazement as a flurry of arrows fly onto the podium. He sees the mercenary known as George aiming carefully. 

Phil stands and stumbles for a moment. He hears whistling- like a songbird- and whips around. A familiar half-enderman stands away from everyone, horse reins in hand. He puts a hand up in a friendly wave to Phil. 

The blond man books it towards Ranboo. He hands Phil the reins and points to a tunnel. “Meet you on the other side,” he says simply and vanishes in a puff of purple. Phil runs into the tunnel, the horse following behind closely. There is a room made of blackstone. There are chests and bloodstains on the floor. He quickly studies the names. _Niki, Schlatt, Sam, Wilbur, Tubbo_ . There’s a chest that looks like it shouldn’t be here, that reads _Philza_. 

He wrenches the chest open. There are potions, and a shovel. He hooks the potions to his belt. He picks up the shovel and examines it. What was he supposed to do with this?

“What do you think you’re doing?” he hears Antfrost’s voice. Phil stares down the cat hybrid and curses Ranboo for not leaving a sword. “How did you even survive?”

“I’ve been living on one life for a while, Antfrost. One blade isn’t going to kill me,” Phil grins. “This nation is poison, can’t you see it? It’s poisoned by brothers, corrupted them. It’ll do the same to you. Can’t you see that?”

Ant flashes sharp teeth. “I don’t care about that. I’m building a country, and you’re stopping that. You’ll die, whether it’s from the blade of a guillotine, or the blade of my weapon.”

“You couldn’t take me, with or without armor, with or without a weapon. I could destroy with my own bare hands.”

“Then try.”

Ant swings the axe at Phil and he ducks out of the way. He quickly chugs a strength potion, before hefting the shovel as his only weapon. Phil tackles the cat’s torso, landing them both on the ground. Phil jumps up quickly and slams the spade onto the ground as Ant flips and crawls towards his fallen weapon. As his hand reaches the axe, Phil’s boot crushes fingers. 

Ant yowls as Phil flips him back over and lands his boot over the cat’s chest. The blond man stares down, before slamming the shovel onto his neck as hard as he can. Antfrost lets out one choked cry before he is silenced. His head is barely attached to his neck as his body fades to dust. 

Phil sighs and runs back to the horse and leads it out. They are in what looks to be a sewer. Phil hops on the horse and runs until an end is found. He leads the horse out of the way and blinks hard at the ray of sunlight. Ranboo is already there, nonchalantly looking at his fingernails. The half-enderman groans.

“Finally! It took you long enough.”

“Sorry, had to kill someone with a shovel because you didn’t leave me an actual weapon.”

Ranboo giggles. “Yeah, sometimes you need a test. Makes it more fun.”

Phil sighs. “I’m going home.”

“Mind if I walk and talk?”

Phil is so, so tired. And Ranboo’s manic energy never helps. Especially now that he knows about Schlatt’s exile. But saying no to Ranboo can lead to much worse things. 

“Fine,” the blond man says, pulling the horse along. 

“Fantastic. So, Phil-”

The half-enderman drones on for a while. Phil is barely listening, tired from fighting and dying and fighting some more. He carefully messages on his communicator.

_You whisper to Schlatt: I’m okay, I’m on my way back. But you might want to hide. Someone’s with me._

A few seconds later, a message returns. 

_Schlatt whispers to you: Aye, aye, captain._

He rolls his eyes. 

“Who’s that?” Ranboo asks. Gods, is he nosey.

“Techno. He’s making sure I got out okay. He worries.”

“Hm,” the half-enderman thinks for a moment. “He doesn’t seem the type.”

“He usually isn’t. But I guess after one son is killed, and he is forced to kill the other, he gets a bit nervous,” Phil retorts. 

“Fair enough.”

Ranboo continues chatting until they get to the tundra, much to Phil’s dismay. Phil puts the horse back into it’s stable, and Ranboo follows him into the house. He hears the house creak, though both of them are still, and hopes to a god that Schlatt isn’t moving. 

“So,” Ranboo says. “I’ve lost someone.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. you know Schlatt, right?”

Phil freezes. “Uh, that’s Wil’s little goat friend, right?”

“Sheep. But yes. He’s gone missing. You haven’t seen him, right?”

“Don’t think I’ve seen him since, hm, since L’Manberg blew up.”

“Mhm,” Ranboo hums. “Well, you’ll tell me if you do, right? You do owe me one- multiple ones, actually. The Totems, having your life, et cetera.”

“You’ll be the first to know,” Phil lies straight to the leader of the SMP’s face.

“In the meantime,” Ranboo begins, staring out the window. “Be careful about what company you keep.”

“What do you-” Phil begins, but Ranboo disappears in a puff of purple smoke once again. Gods, that’s annoying. He looks out the window.

He sees Toast and sighs, but clenches his fist when he sees who’s behind him. The masked boy, Dream, is trudging through the snow behind the ghost. 

It’s been a long day.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: hero-is-here  
> Twitter: heroishere0
> 
> leave a comment if you'd like, they always make me happy. also, check out my other stories. thank you for reading!


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